As I tried to resuscitate the fallen flamingo, I told myself perhaps I wasn’t cut out for this assignment. Up until this unfortunate incident, I had successfully handled other complex situations — I taught college freshmen who were more interested in text messaging than American history. I re-wrote an entire magazine feature after my computer crashed. I even helped my children with their science fair projects, a feat that will test anyone’s emotional mettle. Yet, nothing had prepared me for this. I was facing my ultimate challenge – chaperoning an elementary school field trip.
This experience entailed refereeing three precocious 7-year-old boys at a state park. After assigning them to me, the teacher quickly ran away, laughing and smiling like a person who suddenly feels free or something. I didn’t see her the rest of the day, but I did witness dear William, one of my charges, bean a flamingo square in the middle of the eyes with a rock. I should’ve sworn off field trips right then as the poor pink creature went flat to the ground. And that was just the first five minutes of the day.
Ever the optimist, I volunteered to go on another adventure, this time to a local natural attraction theme park. Admittedly, while there were other things I’d rather do, I knew I would enjoy the time with my daughter and some of her 24 classmates who wanted to show me that their visible sinus infections were only viral, not bacterial. I never realized there are varying degrees of green on a Kleenex. This is just one of the jewels you discover on a field trip.
By the time we reached the boat cruise portion of the trip, the group was tired, grumpy, and hungry. And the children were getting restless, too. Captain Jim, a robust fellow in his khaki captain’s uniform, barked a few orders to his new crew about staying alert and looking out for danger. Little Timmy tried to show him how a Gummi Bear would stick to his front tooth, but the Captain was unwavering in his focus. He had a boat to guide.
Beside him lay a mysterious burlap bag that the Captain tightly held onto as he steadied the boat for departure. His second in command, Fred, pushed the boat away from the dock.
That’s when it happened.
While pushing from the dock, Fred fell off the boat and into the gator-infested waters. Captain Jim leapt across the children and went into rescue mode. As he jumped into the water, an interesting choice of words poured out of the Captain’s mouth.
“Oh, $#%*! We’ve got a man down! We’ve got a man down! Oh, $#%*!
I hadn’t seen the kids so wide-eyed since the time their teacher forgot to wear a slip to school one day.
Then the burlap bag came to life and the children began to scream.
“Mrs. Mangan! There’s a snake in the bag! Aaaaaaaaaah!”
And indeed there was. A very big snake. Sitting right beside me, slithering out of the burlap bag. The boat started rocking from all the commotion as the teachers tried to calm down the children and the parents. Fortunately, Captain Jim swam back to the boat with Fred, grabbed the snake, and restored order, although young Suzie asked the Captain what $#%* meant, so that was a little awkward.
At that moment, I decided maybe my volunteering skills are better used elsewhere — like in an office or a classroom or a closet. Anywhere that doesn’t involve wounded flamingos or loose snakes.
