One in the morning is probably not the best time to make a major life decision pertaining to your child’s education. Lucid thoughts are clouded with fatigue and by fingers stuck together from a hot glue gun. Yet, amidst the piles of construction cut-outs and unused foam boards, I’ve come to a conclusion about class projects—each family member should be graded.
I arrived at this observation after an exhaustive marathon project-fest in which my husband, son, daughter, and I were consecutively working on two major class assignments with an imminent deadline, meaning the next day. Emotions were raw, tempers flared. Then, the Popsicle stick ship collapsed under the pressure of too much glitter. It looked like Barbie at Plymouth’s Rock.
The boys weren’t doing any better. The craft paper wouldn’t adhere to the shoebox frame of the Iroquois longhouse. They dismissed my suggestion to say this was a post-hurricane longhouse. Heated words were exchanged and time-out was enforced with the kids separating my husband and me in different rooms.
Other parents have suffered through similar experiences. I know this because I see them, circles under their eyes, carefully delivering their cardboard projects to the classrooms. As if this isn’t bad enough, we have to compete with the projects worthy of Harvard University. It’s tough when your kid’s toilet paper roll Eiffel Tower is placed next to an architectural rendering of the Palace of Versailles that would make King Louis XIV proud.
I speak from personal experience. I am a survivor of the 8th-grade science fair.
My project correlated the Rorschach Psychological Inkblot Test to gender. I had a cow’s brain in a jar, which had no relevance whatsoever to the study, but it caught everyone’s attention. Always the marketing major, I had a logo on my exhibit with a matching shirt that read, “As The Mind Turns!” Never the biology major, I was stumped when the judges asked for clarification between genetic disposition and neurological conditioning. “Hmmmm, that’s a good question. Do you like my shirt?” It didn’t help that I was next to the student who had discovered a cure for kidney infections. Okay, great. But where’s your clever logo, honey? She nailed the question-and-answer time with the judges. I readjusted my cow brains. I could’ve used some help from mom and dad.
Since I’ve been on both sides of this equation, I’d like to offer some observations and a recommendation. First, here are a few tips for creating a successful class project:
• Glue guns are king. Buy them in bulk.
• Ditto on poster boards.
• Toothpicks provide limited structural support.
• Volcano replicas are so yesterday.
• Most importantly, craft stores close at 9pm and the clerks get really nasty when you bang on the door.
So, I humbly submit this recommendation to teachers—require the following questionnaire be completed by the parents:
• Did you assist your child in the development of this project?
• Were you able to complement your skills with that of your child’s?
• Did everyone share in the responsibilities?
• Most of all, did you have fun working on this together? Will you heed my call for parents to rise and unite? It’s time for a revolution! Let us lay our midnight burdens down. We shall come together and demand a curriculum overhaul!
OK, perhaps that’s a stretch. Can we get a gold star sticker? Did you at least like my shirt?
