President-elect Barack Obama has several critical decisions to make in the next few months and I’d like to offer my help. Since he’s busy selecting Cabinet members, Obama probably isn’t dedicating attention to another equally important appointment: choosing a dog for his family.
While closing the deal on the Secretary of State may seem like a good idea right now, Obama should focus on finding the right First Family canine or peace in his lifetime may never be fully realized.
Since I know a thing or two about owning a dog, I’d like to offer Obama a few suggestions:
NEVER pick a dog who forms an instant bond with your spouse and children. You will be outnumbered. So get use to sleeping in the Lincoln Bedroom because Fluffy gets cold at night.
NEVER buy a dog whose breeder assures you that she’ll be house broken within two months. The war in Iraq will end before your dog loses her fascination with the Oval Office rug. So, I wouldn’t rush into a major renovation if I were you.
NEVER choose a dog who thinks dog food is a health-hazard and prefers, instead, whatever you’re having, gently cut up in small pieces and served on a ceramic plate, of course. (It’s totally up to you or the White House chef if you want to include sparkling apple juice.)
NEVER choose a dog who thinks he is boss. That’s Hillary’s job.
NEVER get a dog who refuses to obey and does his own thing. That’s the vice president’s job.
NEVER have a dog who hogs the camera for the White House Family Christmas photo. That’s so tres Nixon a la’ Checkers.
NEVER pick a dog who will cost you more in veterinary and grooming bills than universal health care. Besides, Hank Paulson can’t handle any more bailouts.
NEVER get a dog who wakes you up at 3 a.m. And here you were worrying about that silly red phone ringing …
NEVER choose a dog who wears pink bows. You’ll be the laughing stock of the U.N. regardless of what France will say.
NEVER choose a dog who growls at the press corps. That’s Dick Cheney’s job. Oh yeah, he won’t be there. Never mind.
NEVER pick a dog who is perpetually thirsty or else the West Wing will be more like the Wet Wing.
ALWAYS pick a dog whose life purpose is to climb into your lap regardless if you’re in a Cabinet meeting. Those meetings last too long anyway.
ALWAYS choose a dog who doesn’t hold grudges like Congress.
ALWAYS get a dog who knows exactly what to do when you’re feeling down (Rahm Emanuel, are you listening?)
ALWAYS have a dog around to alleviate stress. Think of how helpful this could have been to Bill Clinton.
ALWAYS remember that even if your poll numbers are in the tank, your dog will still love you.
Oh, one more thing. I’d shy away from buying a pitbull. They’re prone to bite, especially when wearing lipstick.